12-29-07

its not so much that shit keeps happening
thats just life
and things will always happen

its just that i cant fix any of it

i cant make things better
or perfect

i think that is what upsets me most

(in regards to the film
in regards to bills and debts)

i just cant fix it
that
and i dont know how to fix the things that maybe i can
because im overwhelmed by all i cant

12-28-07

my mind has been overwhelmed
by things with the film
(you name it and im worried about it)
and things in my life

tomorrow sean stewert and i will hopefully be going
location scouting...

12-10-07

as for the film
things are coming along

we still need stuff
a lot of stuff
an adam
and a cinimatographer
and grace
continued grace

man, god, give me grace
and everything else we need

12-9-07

carol reads and drinks coffee... sometimes gets a scone
i admire her
shes a social worker
trying to save kids
like tajanay

i read about tajanay the other day
the pheonix apartments on 38th and keystone
same apt complex gregs friend got stabbed at
in his own apartment
dead
just like tajanay
tajanay was hung on a coat rack by her little t-shirt and pjs
and punched in the stomach by her mothers boyfriend
for wetting her pants
the same day social workers were planning on going before a judge
to get tajanay removed from her home
was the day tajanay was taken to the hospital
and pronounced
dead.

my eyes get wet
and my stomach tightens
as my fingers
no longer know what to do
my heart is heavy
and my throat tightens
when i think of tajanay

and right next to that article in the paper
was an article about plans for a superbowl
to be held in indy
at the new stadium taking all of our tax dollars

i cringe at the chosen ignorance
to the horror that goes on in this city
amongst people that live less than 20 minutes away

i breathe heavy and begin to cry

http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2007712090434

12-7-07

headache
migrane
plursey

bleh.

what the hell.

i think ive been sick more
this past week
than i have been
the past two years.

oh well.

check came today
praise god

work all day tomorrow

oh!
and im going to take a shower :)

maybe no one wanted to know that
but i had to get it out
shower tonight!!!
im gonna feel clean again!

yay!

thats all

ice cream is waiting
along with a movie

goodnight.

12-4-07

Wake up, wake up, O Zion!
Clothe yourself with strength.
Put on your beautiful clothes,
O holy city of Jerusalem,
for unclean and godless people
will enter your gates
no longer.

Rise from the dust, O Jerusalem.
Sit in a place of honor.
Remove the chains of slavery from your neck,
O captive daughter of Zion.

For this is what the Lord says:
“When I sold you into exile,
I received no payment.
Now I can redeem you
without having to pay for you.”

-isaiah 52:1-3

12-3-07

today i must organize so many
things
no procrasatination
the time is approaching
i feel better
i need to pick up some hours at the bux
find another job
and make a movie!
call people
set things up
make a list
of things to do
of people to write
of items to research
of numbers to call
i make a thousand lists a day
theres a possibility
this is good for my health :)

12-2-07

time for sleep :)
havnt felt too well the past 24 hours
i tihnk i worked too much friday
then the weather
and cold/flu season amidst
lol, not a good combination
of things
but i feel better now
maybe the weather
maybe prayer
maybe rest
i slept all day today
minus the three hours
i tredged at work
tomorrow i tun in multiple applications for waitressing
i hope i get one
i dont even want to look at my bank account right now
i try not to think about it
thinknig only makes me frantic
and helps me not trust my god to provide
he will
im fully confident
so now to sleep
i open in the morning
lovely 5am
and clothes in the drywe before that
the taste of too much chocolate
(the best thing when youre not feeling well..that crackers, soda, and re-runs of sitcoms)
still on my teeth
and the soda in my tummy
until tomorrow
thank you, jesus, for this day

its 12:30p..
i should take a nap

theres so much to do though
and i have to go back to work

i feel my body constantly being drained
which i dont think is entirely bad

theres no way i can work the amount i need to
make a movie
and expect to get a full nights rest
seven days a week

deadlines.
good.
my producer is keeping me on track.

re-wrote the script last night
well see if its the one we lock
(well, as far as the storyline and logistics go)

theres no way i could do this without my god

for the longest time
i looked for directors commentary
or blogs
or... something
that told of what they went through
when they directed their first film

i found some good commentaries
but none was of the first time directing
or of one so new in the production life

so i decided that i would
journal and write this filmmaking process
and my life in the process

this road started a year ago
much has happened
we just had our first all-together film meeting...

its really happening!
it has seemed so surreal
and i doubted through my onward steps until now
part of me knew
but much of me doubted

doubted everything

doubted gods divinity
doubted my ability
doubted provision

i tried doing it myself
and broke
and thank god for that

because no director
be he follower of christ or not
can do it alone

this is not my film
it is gods
it is theirs

every day we are given just enough
i may not be eating stale popcorn for breakfast
lunch and dinner
but i dont know how im going to get to work sometimes

but be it a day of shooting
a meeting to attend
a rehersal to observe
gas to scout locations
the strength to face my biggest fears
food to feed those who are working on this

god will provide
and he will provide just enough
like he always does

god has a purpose for this film
and god has a purpose for everyone on board