1-22-08

every day i wake up
in panic or peace
a panic that begins with a gasp
that leaps into my belly
and there it stays
all day
the thoughts of all to do
and all this uncertainty
is overwhelming
so i sweat
and panic

i wake up every day
wondering if i can do this
every day

and i go on
with that gasp in my stomach
birthed at the opening of my eyes
and the ringing of the melodic tune
that wakes me every morning

i go on
one step in front of the other
maybe ill slip on these moss filled rocks
maybe ill fall to my death
but that doesnt stop me

i may not know a lot of things
but one thing i do know
is that i will not stop
that this film will not stop
---

i woke up this morning
curled up in my roomates living room chair
my neck was stiff
as were my legs
looked at the clock -- seven am
i think if i would have falen asleep anywhere else
i wouldnt have waken up, lol

i didnt sleep the night before
but an hour at most in my car

i was storyboarding --
rough, rough, rough --
the trailer park sccenes
just enough to take to a meeting i was supposed to have today

i dont know if im still meeting with them
i hope so
well see
if not, ill make the most of the time i have until work tonight

all that to say thats what brought me here this morning
i have a list of things to do --

met with ritchie flores last night
man, he knows his stuff
and i am so grateful
so i have a list
some steps to take
and all it takes for a dream to become reality
is persistance
continued persistance

i spelled independent wrong on the flyers i made
lol

just thought id share


im listening to a group called "Rue Royale"
an amazing group i might add
over a year ago
i went to see them in chicago with a friend
layout of story in hand
perpared to ask them if i could use their music for my film
we arrived just after their set
they gave us each a copy of their ep
and were flattered about their music in this film
and said they were writting some new songs too
that we may be interested in using

they are now releasing their first full length album
and heading to europe next month for shows

and here i am today
making the movie i said i would

i wonder if i thought this was where id be a year from then
i wonder what ill be thinking a year from now

time and reflection are interesting things.

1-13-08

tonight i had a much needed talk with a friend
my friend kristy
didnt expect to see her
have never really seen her outside of work
but tonight i did
--though she was still working in her makeshift office at a starbucks table in greenwoodmaking phone calls to all of her new partners--

her store opens on thursday
a most exciting thing
and shes been preparing for it for a long time now

today, after watching the last of season two of lost plus some extras,
i was afraid
i was very afriad

part of me stopped and said to myself
'time wont stop just because youre scared and overwhelmed,
the only thing you can do is keep going, keep going, keep going'

and then i was scared

i heard my roomates come home
i snapped out of it
started getting dressed
knowing i had to get out for a bit
pray
learn truth
shoot some e-mails
maybe make a list for tomorrow
just... accomplish some things

that and getting out of my room is always good for my head

i walked into this store not expecting to see anyone i knew
and there she was
i was glad to see her
shes a refreshing person to be around

so we talked
in between her phone calls
and my setting up my computer
about her store
about other managers
about schultzie (or 'uncle howie' as kristy calls him) coming back to starbucks
about stock going up
about a change for the better we both thought

then i asked her if i could ask her an unrelated question
a vulnerable question
i asked her if she was scared
i said to her'i feel like were in similar spots... you opening a new store and me making a movie'

her reply was that she was ready
'what about a month ago?' i asked
'horrified' she replied
'okay, good,' i replied with a smile and sigh of relief

'im ready for it now though, but thats today, who knows about tomorrow... i tihnk im still on a highfrom shopping for office supplies' she said with a smile and laugh

then we kept talking
and i am so thankful for her honesty
and i told her that

then we began talking on the subject of relationships
(because her construction guy is a hottie and can hang shelves)

i told her that i feel im learning i dont need to be saved by someone
and that i thought i already knew that

and she spoke on the matter
and said 'no, you dont'

she said ' to me the even greater romance isnt needing someone...
even needing someone somuch you would die without them,
but choosing them...
choosing to wake up to that person every single morning of your life...
thats romance...
love'

she said
'im okay being by myself...
i can live without someone...
it may not be as pretty without them,
but my life will still keep going...
my life will never stop, just because someone elses does
or because our realtionship does'

'and im not going to just keep someone around to keep me company.
ive got books, movies, and a dog.
ive got friends to keep me company, im fine' she laughed

'im beginning to realize something like that' i said
'that i cant and dont need to save someone else
and i dont need to be saved either...
that im an adult and i can take care of myself... im a big girl'

we talked some more on the matter
and she said one of those key phrases
that sums up an important thing you need always to remember
wisdom in few words

'...its caring for eachother, not saving eachother that makes a realationship work...'


im still learning all of that
but our conversation was good
it was so very needed
we talked about the two things ive been wrestling with for months
and will probably continue to wrestle with
but that means too that im always learning

1-3-08

today (with some good music)
i feel like i can do this.

1-2-08

we need a cinematographer
we need finances to scout locations

please pray.