2-24-08

youd think id update this little guy more, eh?
but alas, yea, i dont really have an excuse lol

a lot on my mind
but thats always the case

a couple weeks ago we made the executive desision to push filming back until the summer
i still feel like i dont keep in touch with people enough
call them enough
do enough pre-production stuff
--there is so much to do in any given day.

on top of that, i want to start school and get my cdl
(drive buses, steady income, impact kids...
its proving to be increasingly difficult to make a movie with no money
for yourself or the film, lol)

and my cousins pregnant
sixteen
i love her to death
i dont think she should stay at home
i cant imagine staying at home
babys daddy is a good guy
but no money

i want her to have the option of moving in
gotta have my own place for that though

i was gonna get ready for school
and get my cdl after we shot in march
so that i could start driving and going to school in the fall
but, well, lol, a month or so after shooting now
(now that were shooting in the summer)
isnt really enough to secure either of those

so here i am

not so much overwhelmed
i just need to get a plan going
that usualy helps the most
otherwise i just worry
and stress
and have no solution

so i tihnk it will all be okay


we have some benifit shows for the film coming up
one this friday at strange brew in greenwood
and another march 30th in ft wayne
i need to get someone in charge of funraising stuff there
-thats another thing on my mind

selling artwork by cast, crew, friends
t-shirts...

the list could go on and on

on another note
i was thinking about other things
and wrote just a bit ago....


what do i think?

i think we always
think the grass will be greener on the other side
when in reality
the spot we are standing in right now
is the most beautiful shade of green there ever was

thats what i think.
thats what i do.

i tihnk i can watch a movie
and think life in the city is best
life on stage is the best
because someone else is doing it
because i dont have to feel the strugle
in that 90 minutes of story
i forget that that 90 minutes
represents years of sweat and blood
of lonliness
of depression
of figuring out
while never being able to do so
and then in the end
this thing spits out
and its reality
and its triumph
and its beautiful
but only because of all that has been previously mentioned
and i sit here
wanting the easy way out

the easy way out leads to death
or at least death of the soul
which i believe to be far worse
than a lack of beating in ones heart


so father
help me write my story
the one you planned out
the one where i die
and you live
the one where i take blood and sweat
and pain and lonliness
and depression
and trying to figure things out
but never able
because this world
and story is so much bigger than i

the one where i take all that
instead of a dead soul

and in turn live
because i want to live.
-----

thats all for now folks
ill try to update a bit more ;)

2-2-08

this is my office
for some reason i can concentrate and breath at this store
and i can steal panera's internet
maybe its because ive never worked at this location
and its a cafe store... no constant dings

or voices that exclaim,
"thanks for choosing starbucks! yadayadayada!"

i-yii-yii :)

(but i do the same thing...
we all sound like were hyped up on too much caffine

and... dont forget the crack, lol)

meeting with the kids today

found a new diane
--i think i pushed too much for her to come this week
(she just got the part)

even though she already said she kinda had plans

oh well, none of us are perfect
and im imperfect, stressed, impatient, and full of fear
so... eh, whatever.

but we have a new diane
and she already has sat afternoons free (usually)
and shes gonna bring her kids to the meetings...

YAY! more kids...

i love working with them
they make it all worth while

now to find a new aaron
(trey wanted to do it so badly...
i feel bad... but i cant get a hold of his mom
--who was originally going to be diane)

and from there...
a young aaron

hmm.

benifit shows are being planned
thats slightly stressful

i need to get some pictures of people to update cast/crew
(lists are great for that)

we have the sponsor letter written...
just need ot format the header a bit and print it out

theres a senior at beech grove high i need to e-mail
shes gonna be on crew!!

financial sponsor proposal to write...
thats huge
i told dan id e-mail it to him by yesterday
but earlier this week i made a desision to sleep when i needed to
(like at night... you know, instead of going days without sleep)
so, i havnt had a chance to sit down and write it...
the plan is to write it today
theres a lot of thought that goes into something like that

a lot of reading through

a lot of pouring our my heart for this film
and film in my life
and plans for this film
and furture projects
and others futures involved
and its going to potential big-wigs
at least for us...
people that will make a desision to give us money
money that is theirs
that they want to use wisely
so i must convince them that it would be wise to give to this project

no pressure, eh?

lol

though i doubt a thousand times over
every day
its why i stress so often

god will proide
move hearts
provide and move hands and feet
(even my own)
he changed the hearts of kings
and he is bigger than the kings
he parted the oceans and red sea
theyre but dust in his hand
were but grasshoppers beneath his feet
were here today
gone tomorrow

how great is our god
man... how great is our god.

so thats today

i told myself and everyone that i was going to play downtown

for money for this film today

i hope tomorrow
i like doing it
and i think i could make some change
at least some pity change, lol

okay ive got work to do

talk to you later