10.9.08

Do you ever feel exposed
Like "Hey world!
Here I am!"

The last time I felt this way
so consistantly at least as I do now
was when I first started handing out my script
for view and review

I was exposed
not so much for
what was written on the pages
but in giving those pages
I exposed my heart without a shield
without a wall
without restrictions

What if it gets infected?
What if it gets hurt?
I asked before I handed it over
But in a step of
-whatever it was I stepped in
Its part of the gunk I am made of-
I handed it over
to a hand I trusted
to a hand that crushed it

But the stuff I stepped in
doesnt let me stay crushed
because that stuff taught me
that you cant give up
not for what is real
not for what is raw
not for the stuff inside
that screams when you fall
"Get up again. Get up again."
"Get up again. Get up again."

that thing inside that speaks the truth

I hear it more clearly
when I stop listening
to everyone around me I think matter
too much
to the demons inside that yell
too much

no, I hear the truth when I'm quiet
like this
and the wind is blowing

9.12.08

is this my coming out blog?
.... hmmm, lol, i think its turning into that.
started out to where i was just gonna post a journal entry
but i feel i should preface just a little...

i know a lot of people who have known me are
concerned or taken aback or...?
i dunno... *insert immeadiate reaction here*

im gay
i like girls
i always have

im sorry if that upsets you
but its who i am
and no, its not a phase...

i want to appologize for not writing some people back when they asked
and expressed their concerns or 'what the heck!'s lol
i dont take this lightly and i didnt want to reply in anything
that implied i did

with all that said,
heres where i am

i love you all.


[9-11-08]

the idea
the thought
that i am loved
just as i am
just as i come
just as i am
right now

by god
whom ive tried to please
the only father ive ever known
and i mean that

that hes okay with me
because this is just me
im finally not hiding
and all my life
i was taught to hide
but i cant
this thing inside me screams
i cant stay inside
and contort myself to what i think i should be
or what ive been taught i should be...

i feel so free

all i know is god is real
and im not who i always thought i was

and i feel loved in that
is that so wrong?

because a lot of people think so
... maybe its just me

i want to know the love of christ
and i dont feel i need to change to do that
just unlearn everything ive taught myself
and everything ive been taught

more than anything,
i want to know this love

spoke too soon...

what does one do
when the winds of love come rushing through?
when the breeze of her is all over you
when the rustles change from light to dark
and her mood to you more limp and stark

i spoke of love.
did i make a mistake?
i think i did for now i shake.
a distant love of hers she sees
in her bed instead of me

why, i ask (of course to me)
does she love her?
what does she see?
maybe its her memory
who she was or was thought to be

only pain did this lover leave
months and months and months to grieve
and tears that cried deep rivers to drown
her words were spoke to bring her down

i love you dear, i love you so
i understand youre not ready to go
i understand you cant control
i understand you need time
i understand you need space
--it hurts like hell to leave this place

i didnt mean to fall in love
i didnt mean to conjure up
hopes and dreams of me and you
all too sudden all too soon

and now i fear ive run you off
afraid for me and me for you
i spoke too soon, i spoke too soon

i spoke selfishly what was on my mind
i spoke with blurry, unclean eyes

i dont know what you face
i dont know, dont know that taste
the anger and pain of all you feel
i wish, i wish it wasnt real
i wish i could take your place
...if it meant you healed.


you are strong, my dear
a solid rock
though broken now, your heart will mend
you can count on, love, a victorious end

6.25.08

its been a long time...
a lot has happened
a lot has changed...

but for the first time
in a long time
today i felt okay...

okay with who i am
and everything in between.

its a good feeling -
a really good feeling -

to finally be okay.

:)

2-24-08

youd think id update this little guy more, eh?
but alas, yea, i dont really have an excuse lol

a lot on my mind
but thats always the case

a couple weeks ago we made the executive desision to push filming back until the summer
i still feel like i dont keep in touch with people enough
call them enough
do enough pre-production stuff
--there is so much to do in any given day.

on top of that, i want to start school and get my cdl
(drive buses, steady income, impact kids...
its proving to be increasingly difficult to make a movie with no money
for yourself or the film, lol)

and my cousins pregnant
sixteen
i love her to death
i dont think she should stay at home
i cant imagine staying at home
babys daddy is a good guy
but no money

i want her to have the option of moving in
gotta have my own place for that though

i was gonna get ready for school
and get my cdl after we shot in march
so that i could start driving and going to school in the fall
but, well, lol, a month or so after shooting now
(now that were shooting in the summer)
isnt really enough to secure either of those

so here i am

not so much overwhelmed
i just need to get a plan going
that usualy helps the most
otherwise i just worry
and stress
and have no solution

so i tihnk it will all be okay


we have some benifit shows for the film coming up
one this friday at strange brew in greenwood
and another march 30th in ft wayne
i need to get someone in charge of funraising stuff there
-thats another thing on my mind

selling artwork by cast, crew, friends
t-shirts...

the list could go on and on

on another note
i was thinking about other things
and wrote just a bit ago....


what do i think?

i think we always
think the grass will be greener on the other side
when in reality
the spot we are standing in right now
is the most beautiful shade of green there ever was

thats what i think.
thats what i do.

i tihnk i can watch a movie
and think life in the city is best
life on stage is the best
because someone else is doing it
because i dont have to feel the strugle
in that 90 minutes of story
i forget that that 90 minutes
represents years of sweat and blood
of lonliness
of depression
of figuring out
while never being able to do so
and then in the end
this thing spits out
and its reality
and its triumph
and its beautiful
but only because of all that has been previously mentioned
and i sit here
wanting the easy way out

the easy way out leads to death
or at least death of the soul
which i believe to be far worse
than a lack of beating in ones heart


so father
help me write my story
the one you planned out
the one where i die
and you live
the one where i take blood and sweat
and pain and lonliness
and depression
and trying to figure things out
but never able
because this world
and story is so much bigger than i

the one where i take all that
instead of a dead soul

and in turn live
because i want to live.
-----

thats all for now folks
ill try to update a bit more ;)

2-2-08

this is my office
for some reason i can concentrate and breath at this store
and i can steal panera's internet
maybe its because ive never worked at this location
and its a cafe store... no constant dings

or voices that exclaim,
"thanks for choosing starbucks! yadayadayada!"

i-yii-yii :)

(but i do the same thing...
we all sound like were hyped up on too much caffine

and... dont forget the crack, lol)

meeting with the kids today

found a new diane
--i think i pushed too much for her to come this week
(she just got the part)

even though she already said she kinda had plans

oh well, none of us are perfect
and im imperfect, stressed, impatient, and full of fear
so... eh, whatever.

but we have a new diane
and she already has sat afternoons free (usually)
and shes gonna bring her kids to the meetings...

YAY! more kids...

i love working with them
they make it all worth while

now to find a new aaron
(trey wanted to do it so badly...
i feel bad... but i cant get a hold of his mom
--who was originally going to be diane)

and from there...
a young aaron

hmm.

benifit shows are being planned
thats slightly stressful

i need to get some pictures of people to update cast/crew
(lists are great for that)

we have the sponsor letter written...
just need ot format the header a bit and print it out

theres a senior at beech grove high i need to e-mail
shes gonna be on crew!!

financial sponsor proposal to write...
thats huge
i told dan id e-mail it to him by yesterday
but earlier this week i made a desision to sleep when i needed to
(like at night... you know, instead of going days without sleep)
so, i havnt had a chance to sit down and write it...
the plan is to write it today
theres a lot of thought that goes into something like that

a lot of reading through

a lot of pouring our my heart for this film
and film in my life
and plans for this film
and furture projects
and others futures involved
and its going to potential big-wigs
at least for us...
people that will make a desision to give us money
money that is theirs
that they want to use wisely
so i must convince them that it would be wise to give to this project

no pressure, eh?

lol

though i doubt a thousand times over
every day
its why i stress so often

god will proide
move hearts
provide and move hands and feet
(even my own)
he changed the hearts of kings
and he is bigger than the kings
he parted the oceans and red sea
theyre but dust in his hand
were but grasshoppers beneath his feet
were here today
gone tomorrow

how great is our god
man... how great is our god.

so thats today

i told myself and everyone that i was going to play downtown

for money for this film today

i hope tomorrow
i like doing it
and i think i could make some change
at least some pity change, lol

okay ive got work to do

talk to you later

1-22-08

every day i wake up
in panic or peace
a panic that begins with a gasp
that leaps into my belly
and there it stays
all day
the thoughts of all to do
and all this uncertainty
is overwhelming
so i sweat
and panic

i wake up every day
wondering if i can do this
every day

and i go on
with that gasp in my stomach
birthed at the opening of my eyes
and the ringing of the melodic tune
that wakes me every morning

i go on
one step in front of the other
maybe ill slip on these moss filled rocks
maybe ill fall to my death
but that doesnt stop me

i may not know a lot of things
but one thing i do know
is that i will not stop
that this film will not stop
---

i woke up this morning
curled up in my roomates living room chair
my neck was stiff
as were my legs
looked at the clock -- seven am
i think if i would have falen asleep anywhere else
i wouldnt have waken up, lol

i didnt sleep the night before
but an hour at most in my car

i was storyboarding --
rough, rough, rough --
the trailer park sccenes
just enough to take to a meeting i was supposed to have today

i dont know if im still meeting with them
i hope so
well see
if not, ill make the most of the time i have until work tonight

all that to say thats what brought me here this morning
i have a list of things to do --

met with ritchie flores last night
man, he knows his stuff
and i am so grateful
so i have a list
some steps to take
and all it takes for a dream to become reality
is persistance
continued persistance

i spelled independent wrong on the flyers i made
lol

just thought id share


im listening to a group called "Rue Royale"
an amazing group i might add
over a year ago
i went to see them in chicago with a friend
layout of story in hand
perpared to ask them if i could use their music for my film
we arrived just after their set
they gave us each a copy of their ep
and were flattered about their music in this film
and said they were writting some new songs too
that we may be interested in using

they are now releasing their first full length album
and heading to europe next month for shows

and here i am today
making the movie i said i would

i wonder if i thought this was where id be a year from then
i wonder what ill be thinking a year from now

time and reflection are interesting things.

1-13-08

tonight i had a much needed talk with a friend
my friend kristy
didnt expect to see her
have never really seen her outside of work
but tonight i did
--though she was still working in her makeshift office at a starbucks table in greenwoodmaking phone calls to all of her new partners--

her store opens on thursday
a most exciting thing
and shes been preparing for it for a long time now

today, after watching the last of season two of lost plus some extras,
i was afraid
i was very afriad

part of me stopped and said to myself
'time wont stop just because youre scared and overwhelmed,
the only thing you can do is keep going, keep going, keep going'

and then i was scared

i heard my roomates come home
i snapped out of it
started getting dressed
knowing i had to get out for a bit
pray
learn truth
shoot some e-mails
maybe make a list for tomorrow
just... accomplish some things

that and getting out of my room is always good for my head

i walked into this store not expecting to see anyone i knew
and there she was
i was glad to see her
shes a refreshing person to be around

so we talked
in between her phone calls
and my setting up my computer
about her store
about other managers
about schultzie (or 'uncle howie' as kristy calls him) coming back to starbucks
about stock going up
about a change for the better we both thought

then i asked her if i could ask her an unrelated question
a vulnerable question
i asked her if she was scared
i said to her'i feel like were in similar spots... you opening a new store and me making a movie'

her reply was that she was ready
'what about a month ago?' i asked
'horrified' she replied
'okay, good,' i replied with a smile and sigh of relief

'im ready for it now though, but thats today, who knows about tomorrow... i tihnk im still on a highfrom shopping for office supplies' she said with a smile and laugh

then we kept talking
and i am so thankful for her honesty
and i told her that

then we began talking on the subject of relationships
(because her construction guy is a hottie and can hang shelves)

i told her that i feel im learning i dont need to be saved by someone
and that i thought i already knew that

and she spoke on the matter
and said 'no, you dont'

she said ' to me the even greater romance isnt needing someone...
even needing someone somuch you would die without them,
but choosing them...
choosing to wake up to that person every single morning of your life...
thats romance...
love'

she said
'im okay being by myself...
i can live without someone...
it may not be as pretty without them,
but my life will still keep going...
my life will never stop, just because someone elses does
or because our realtionship does'

'and im not going to just keep someone around to keep me company.
ive got books, movies, and a dog.
ive got friends to keep me company, im fine' she laughed

'im beginning to realize something like that' i said
'that i cant and dont need to save someone else
and i dont need to be saved either...
that im an adult and i can take care of myself... im a big girl'

we talked some more on the matter
and she said one of those key phrases
that sums up an important thing you need always to remember
wisdom in few words

'...its caring for eachother, not saving eachother that makes a realationship work...'


im still learning all of that
but our conversation was good
it was so very needed
we talked about the two things ive been wrestling with for months
and will probably continue to wrestle with
but that means too that im always learning

1-3-08

today (with some good music)
i feel like i can do this.

1-2-08

we need a cinematographer
we need finances to scout locations

please pray.